No more love songs but bitter memories

 My heart blooms into a thousand blossoms. I sleep and I dream of you, wishing you had stayed. Now all I do is believe in love songs wondering if we could still have that I love you.

If second chances were true then could there be  possibly you and me...

We planted this seed together and watch it grow and blossom. But now as the petals unfold I wished again that I set aside my pride.  

Thinking "what if" I had trapped you inside. It is to selfish for me to think of. But be it so if otherwise I had to spend my lifetime dreaming of you from afar.

Wish you could still hear me now, wish you still have the seed. If I could lure you with my scent, if I could just make you want me again. I wish I have never let go of you. It was those sweet memories that brings tears to my eyes. Regret comes knocking on my door telling me that "alone" was not my comfort.

 Painting my face with a broken smile, I wish you could come back and fix things that we left broken.


Now I'm just a lonesome flower hanging on walls, waiting to wither. Until I fade into my grey colors, I would still believe that you'd come back and bring colour once again into my life.

I could have loved you more, I could have loved you better, but time didn't favor us. The God's disagreed and space parted us. Words didn't mean as they used to. Love didn't sound the way it caresses our hearts.

We've been used as puppets to play a part which has been set before us. To love, to fall in love, to fall out of it. If puppets could only talk by themselves I'd request for the scriptwriter to change our faiths. 

If I could row the boat alone, I would for the two us. But there is nothing I can do if you wouldn't get in the ride, there is nothing I can do on a one-sided love.

 I know "together" is an impossible dream for the two of us. Only the memory of "us" remains. No more love songs for us, but only bitter memories to ache my heart.












(Spontaneous writing. It's off the hook. Never thought words would come out as I type them down. No drafts at all. NO specific subject described.)

NOTE: Does anyone know the name of the pink flower I used on the photos? It's been growing on our garden and it resembles cadena de amor(coral vine). please do tell me or comment it below. THANKS IN ADVANCE. :)

❤Tadz

If you could read my eyes

I still miss you. I still wander in my sleeps. I keep asking how you're doing, if you're doing fine, or if I ever cross your mind. I still wear the ring and will hold long to it as long as you're still there for me too. Out of my hopeless cries, I wish to meet you again.

Time wasn't on our side. Even though you were willing to give up everything for me I wouldn't let you drown with me. We were together on the same boat. But I had to jump out for the water was rough. It wasn't strong for the two of us. I had to leave. But always be reminded that I love you more than you'll ever know.

 

❤Tadz

At the end of the day

Dear GSoles! I would like to say sorry first if this entry is not that inspiring or motivational. If you do not want to know or read more you can stop at this point.

So if you did then you might still be reading from this point and hopefully onwards. I am so exhausted today. It was still early in the morning that my performance was a total pain in the neck. My first subject in the morning was moved one hour earlier. I had to do a double effort in getting out of my bed.

I had to climb the stairs from ground floor up to the fifth floor. I can say that the elevator at school is useless. Sometimes it smelled like wet leather. There are times that it turns into a mini horror cell. The lights work seasonal. I've tried riding in pitch black. It was like "damn! I should have taken the stairs".

And so today, we had our usual verbal type of quiz. It's been like this for the past two meetings. Questionnaires were not given anymore. It was like a single droplet falling into the surface. Everyone was affected for that single act of someone or some of them. Either they were a group of opportunistic zombies or it was a single brainless hungry zombie, I am furious.

Everyone was paying for the bad deed. SH*T! I felt that the questions per item were not repeated and felt fast forward. It took about eight seconds per question before she asks the next item. If you left it blank or still trying to remember that familiar answer at the tip of your tongue, I would suggest to abandon that and move on. It will just complicate and frustrate your thoughts and inner feelings.

After passing my half-answered paper I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes for awhile. She extended the time until eleven o'clock. Of course I got annoyed. I don't get it when the researchers' studies proved that humans have an average of twenty minutes retention(attention span) before their brains wonder off and remember nothing. Why does my subjects go beyond this limit? I'm sure I can behave for the first twenty minutes. Beyond that,  I wouldn't recall any of the topics.

Later in the afternoon, I had to do a favor for a friend. I accepted it because my next class would be four hours away. I had to make efforts changing into my beauty consultant attire and put colors on my pale face. We arrived at the center minutes late. I had to make all the preparations and had to conduct the facial myself to one client.

My friend kept on telling me to purchase the catalogues while I was in the middle of my facial. This friend kept on interrupting me, asking questions while I was still attending to her client's queries. She ordered me to talk to our head director. I still had to clean up and pack the things being used. The time was two minutes away from hitting four o'clock.

I told her she could ask our director herself while I hurry packing up so that we could leave. She forced me to do it myself. I got fed up later and had to take slower and longer breathings. I had to smile and laugh it all out. She kept on ranting about her next class and about getting late.

In my most possible polite way, I reminded her that I already missed my class even if it wasn't my business at all to be there. I wouldn't earn from her client. I just did that out of my pure helping heart. It was a go-give spirit.

We rode on the taxi to catch up with her next class. I had to pay for the expenses. Gawd! I don't like to count all my efforts because I would sound rude. but I was pissed off. I was thirsty, tired and burnt out. I still have to deliver a product at the hospital. I was supposed to meet my buyer earlier. But had to postpone it due to the incessant request of my friend.

I still had to meet her again at six-thirty. I had to wait another two hours before her class ends. I also lost my one thousand peso bill. Good thing that my girlfriend joined me at the mall. She refilled my thoughts, my heart, and my energy. I decided to go home with her without bothering of waiting for my friend. She assured me that tomorrow would be another day. The sun would shine brightly for us and this heavy rain would come to an end.

She hugged me and planted a kiss on my forehead.

i love you...

we've got each other. we're not harming anyone.
say all you want, judge at us. but we're just being true.

Denise❤Tadz

Mothers weep

My heart couldn't catch up with the pace of my feet. It had its own mind. Through the mud and puddles I walked as fast as I could. I had to see them. The cold night and the drizzle made me shiver. It was harder for me to breathe but nothing can stop me. Love was on my heart. It was too much I couldn't contain it anymore. It wanted to burst out of my chest and search for a hollow, broken, and hopeless heart. Love wanted to find a new shelter. It has done its part on me and now it is time for it to move some place else who needs more tending.

As I close my eyes now, I could still remember every detail of that night. I could still feel the raindrops softly touching my face. I could see a small figure of a boy from afar. A silhouette of someone familiar to me. I began to smile and got more excited. The cold wind blowing made my cheeks freeze.

I wanted to surprise that boy. I pulled my studded bonnet nearer to my eyes hiding the happiness it showed. I was about to approach him when I saw older kids  walking towards his direction. I held my horses and decided to observe first.

From the looks of those older ones,  I had a feeling that they were up to no good at all. They surrounded poor Cedric, the boy, and started to push him on his shoulders. They were asking for something. I was not sure of what I saw because it was dim lit from where they were standing. Poor scared Cedric gave them what I thought would have been his gathered "limos". One of the older boys, who looked like the "hari-harian" stepped up and took the coins in his palm.

Not even satisfied of what they just did, they tried to pull Cedric's already worn out clothes. But as a small boy he was able to manage his way out of the center and ran as if it was the last time he could ever do it. It was a run for his life. The "siga" boys picked up small pebbles from the sidewalk and began on targeting Cedric.

I stand frozen on the other side of the road. I couldn't do anything to help that poor boy. All I could do was watch. Big tears were pouring from the corners of my eyes. If my heart had its own set of feet, it could have left my body there, slit my chest open and ran across the street to help Cedric. But I was that coward girl. I couldn't even move my feet from were I was standed.

Children like him shouldn't be out in the streets at these wee hours. They need guidance so that they may grow right and be good people when they grow up and replace us. Instead, violence was their neighbor. Fighting was their strength. The darkness was their comfort.

Thirty minutes later I was still on the same spot. I fell down on my knees and did nothing but cried. The older boys were out of site and so was Cedric. The silence was deafening. Only the street cars racing kept me assured that I was still holding on reality.

Th bullies came back. But each of them were smiling and seemed to be staring from a pointless distance. One of them was puffing on ciggy heavily. He exhaled a thick cloud of smoke and smiled as he looked up. The other one who looked around 12-13 years old was balancing an umbrella on his palm. His smile was priceless. But I knew there was something wrong. All their smiles looked too fake.

A few moments later, I saw Cedric walking towards their direction as if he wasn't bullied earlier. I said to myself that poor Cedric is stupid. Why would he go back after what those boys did to him? wasn't that enough? how foolish of him.

Despite my expectations, they didn't harm him. They were too occupied of smiling blankly and playing imaginary fire on their palms. Cedric left later. I followed him and whistled from behind. He looked at my direction and tried to recognize me from afar. He made a frown on his face trying to remember me. I removed my bonnet and showed a smile.

His face started to brighten progressively. He smiled and I saw his teeth. He ran to me as I waved at him. He approached me happily as I felt the same way. I controlled my tears from falling. I didn't want to bother him now that he is so happy. He called me "ate sa Starr" and I smiled and nodded.

He was surprised to see me and told me that he was not expecting for me to come. Well, most of those people who promised them didn't. I reminded him that a promise is a promise and I made one with them. At a young age, they do not have trust anymore. They lived with worthless words and broken promises. TRUST was rare for them. I felt sorry that they had to be denied from this value.

He called his friends from nowhere. They were the same familiar faces whom I had talked to last week. I explained to them that I couldn't bring a chocolate cake. I was worried of the slicing and the distribution. I took out those white cellophane from my wonder bag and gave each one of them. I told them they were chocolate biscuits and bars.

They were all too happy that I wanted to hug them all and keep that moment playing forever. They laughed at each other as they took their bite. Without even forgetting to say grace, they thanked me and told me I was so good to them. They asked for my real name and I just said "Bern".

I said my good nights to all of them and wave goodbye. Cedric and his friend named Norman accompanied me. I was still not sleepy that night. Their smiles served as my sugar rush. My eyes are still wide open and my body still wanted to jog 7miles or more. My insomnia was getting worst also ( I'm aware of that). They asked me where I live but I didn't tell them the exact location.

Those kids, I love them already as if they were my real brothers and sisters in blood. But I know in our hearts we have the same thirst, the same need, and the same God. Those kids can't even sleep. I hope that they won't become insomniac in the future. It will be a major problem to them. I do know how it feels and it sucks.

We walked the streets with no sense of direction. We didn't care because we talked and laughed and just had a good time. I could still hear their laughter in my ears. It's the most beautiful sound rarely produced in the world. Innocent, natural, and happy.

:)

hugs and kisses with so much ❤,Tadz