The Bad Magic Dust

Last night, as I was lying down on my best sleeping position, I stared upon our bedroom window. The light outside passed through it's glass which made the room half-lit. It was the only light that made that dark room glow before my eyes. The sight struck me that I was alone again regardless of the presence of my family beside me. I was alone in the sense of fighting my own battle. It has been a week that I have been submerged in my own prison, another irrational depression.

Deep in my darkness there is also this light from a window, the light which gives spark to my little hopes. "How long will this last? How long should I hope?" these made me ask myself if it was worth it. When will I know that I have to stop hoping? This battle would last a lifetime, would last forever. There was nothing we could do but hope until I get cured.

All we could do was hope and pray.

My pillow was soaked in my tears of sadness. I hold tight to it as if it was my child. If I was God, if I was its mother, I could not bear to see my child suffering. I would hug it close to my heart to let it feel that this battle was not to be faced alone. I would protect my child with my life, that is what I would do. But where is my God?Where is my mother?Where is my protector? Should she be here tonight tucking me into bed, caressing my hair and assuring me that everything would be alright.

Waking up today wasn't better as it was yesterday. My head is throbbing and my eyes are sore. Busy people keeps on coming in and out of our house. I suppose I was the only one not busy with normal things. I was caught up in a higher form of analyzing. I was busy trying to keep myself from going all "cuckoo" and end up at some local mental hospital. My brother and cousins are as annoying as the lead role of the film I'm watching. Whoever made the film I was watching, I wish he'd kill everyone at the end of the movie. It was all too stupid and too scripted. They always get the happy ending when in reality they all die.

Looking at my silly relatives and hearing them laugh at stupid jokes made me even furious. How could they manage a laugh at a very low form of idiocracy. How could they enjoy and have fun when someone was already dying from the other side of the world. How could they take everything less serious. It grew me even mad, worst than madness could tell. I want to tie them down and tape their mouths to silence.

My little baby dog starts barking outside and it just adds up to my uncontrollable temper. I rushed to him and seized its snout. I pulled its collar up choking him to death. He stared at me and I realized I was killing it. I was a murderer. I let him loose and went inside the house crying. I didn't dare to look back. What have I done?Am I mad already?.

I took a shower assuming that this madness was somewhat like a bad magic dust sprinkled all over me. I was hoping that I could wash all of it away. I stood there wet and crying. I keep on telling myself "I am not sick. I am not sick". But who am I fooling? I know I was. This Bipolar disorder is getting everything I have away from me.

it's getting everything I have away from me

People would say its nothing compared to cancer or AIDS. But NO! It is worst than that. Those other conditions are diseases which weakens the immune system. This one doesn't just attack and weakens you. It takes command entirely over your body to go against itself. It is a threat not only to self but to other people as well. It takes away your God-given gift of free will. It takes away your virtues and your beliefs. Bipolar disorder has less been taken seriously. You would say it is all in the mind and it's a hormone-related stuff, a trauma bullshit. But those who suffer from it, like me, dies and suffer like cancer patients too. It is a killer and a thief.

Besides being self-destructive, what I'm totally scared of is when the time comes that I would loose this battle; let my love ones die in my own hands against my free will. This killer in me is what I am trying to keep locked up. My meds are piling in a heap. Every pill is important to keep me sane.  But sometimes those pills fail too. And every time they do, I always hope that I and my God won't fail the same way.

Tadz

No more love songs but bitter memories

 My heart blooms into a thousand blossoms. I sleep and I dream of you, wishing you had stayed. Now all I do is believe in love songs wondering if we could still have that I love you.

If second chances were true then could there be  possibly you and me...

We planted this seed together and watch it grow and blossom. But now as the petals unfold I wished again that I set aside my pride.  

Thinking "what if" I had trapped you inside. It is to selfish for me to think of. But be it so if otherwise I had to spend my lifetime dreaming of you from afar.

Wish you could still hear me now, wish you still have the seed. If I could lure you with my scent, if I could just make you want me again. I wish I have never let go of you. It was those sweet memories that brings tears to my eyes. Regret comes knocking on my door telling me that "alone" was not my comfort.

 Painting my face with a broken smile, I wish you could come back and fix things that we left broken.


Now I'm just a lonesome flower hanging on walls, waiting to wither. Until I fade into my grey colors, I would still believe that you'd come back and bring colour once again into my life.

I could have loved you more, I could have loved you better, but time didn't favor us. The God's disagreed and space parted us. Words didn't mean as they used to. Love didn't sound the way it caresses our hearts.

We've been used as puppets to play a part which has been set before us. To love, to fall in love, to fall out of it. If puppets could only talk by themselves I'd request for the scriptwriter to change our faiths. 

If I could row the boat alone, I would for the two us. But there is nothing I can do if you wouldn't get in the ride, there is nothing I can do on a one-sided love.

 I know "together" is an impossible dream for the two of us. Only the memory of "us" remains. No more love songs for us, but only bitter memories to ache my heart.












(Spontaneous writing. It's off the hook. Never thought words would come out as I type them down. No drafts at all. NO specific subject described.)

NOTE: Does anyone know the name of the pink flower I used on the photos? It's been growing on our garden and it resembles cadena de amor(coral vine). please do tell me or comment it below. THANKS IN ADVANCE. :)

❤Tadz

Second Time Around

 

 My brother and cousin not used to the car air freshener

The three of us riding the old sturdy barge

curious about starfishes(found at Korakai)

 goofing around 

my cousin's behind >__<

entrance to Palacio de Fantasia

A fine tuna belly on one of their menus

YUMYUM

 

A very creative and unique design 

on their NIPA cottage

I love the restroom with all my heart ^__^

 

Sandcastles!!!

Welcome to the Palace GATES!

INSIDE THE CASTLE...

Here comes our ride

 

little house

Slide all the way

with Barney who looks frightened with sneaky kids

TIME TO GO HOME

We'd like to thank our SPONSOR :)MOM! You're the BEST!

1st visit with full description click HERE.

TADZ

The Line

 

Every person is given the same day. Each day is made up of 24 hours no more, no less. No one starts with the future but always with the present. Some of us may have trapped ourselves from our past and seemed to have forgotten what is really happening now. I believe that reality has always been relative with the present. We cripple ourselves from the truth for choosing to hold on to things that were meant to stay as memories.

If each of us are given the same day to begin with, then how did we end up with different results. We clap for those who are successful. We pity for those who failed and didn't meet their expectations. Some end up rich with bags of money to keep, while others are poor and dying of hunger. There has always been an opposite for everything. If this was so, what exactly happened.

Humans began to separate themselves from each other. They assigned names, labelled things, and even secluded themselves from the bunch, which they began to call as different. It seemed like they build fences around them to keep away others and to build their own security. The word "trust" was already hard to define.

It was this fence, this fine stroke of line that separated us from each other. We made ourselves different from which we were once of the same blood, same origin, and same rights. It is the line we feared most and despised of. It is the same flat line we see when one dies, the line which everyone tries to walk and make it through. This was the line that separated us from our own kind.

If we go back in time to change this and break this line as if it did not exist at all, would that change everything? Would that help build a better world? Going back to where time does not permit us, won't help us grow our wings.

If we want to change something for the best we must start now, not yesterday and certainly not tomorrow. We must learn to use what we have now and spread it to its extent. We must learn to break free, fly and soar high beyond the line.

Tadz

 

Don Bosco Makilala

Good day GSoles! I am back again to share my very recent adventure trip.

It was on a morning of a Sunday that I woke up to my aching arms. My brother was already up. I went back to sleep to continue my sweet dreams, when my mom entered the room and gave me an invitation to go for a trip.

At first I hesitated but later on I was riding at the back of a motorcycle(this was definitely another unplanned getaway). I really didn't know the exact location of the place. One thing is for sure, we where going far outside the borderline of Davao del Sur. We were entering Cotabato this time.

If my judgment is precise, I would say that this trip is a cheap one(base on expenses) but surely PRICELESS! To give you an idea, we didn't go to a beach. This time we went to a natural waterfalls and speaking of "natural" the place is in the middle of a tropical rain forest-like.

The road seemed steep but I think the local government could improve it. It was rocky, muddy, and slippery. There used to be a resort built near the falls but the cottages seemed rotten already and no one collects for entrance fee nor ask for contribution. So it was indeed an inexpensive trip.

There was a concrete stair leading to the main water area. As I descended from the steps I took site of the beauty of Don Bosco's waterfalls. I marveled at the cascading water coming from the main falls. For every body's information, it also had a hot spring.

the yellow spots on the rocks are hot water falling(Ooops! try to avoid getting burnt)

There was a man-made tub, big enough for 3 families. For me it was a local replica of a jacuzzi tub. It was warm(good for relaxation). The sounds of unknown birds and animals could be heard. There were also wild monkeys(harmless-they mind their own monkey business of course) :)

can you spot the wild monkey?

having fun with my mom and brother

I and my family had a good time. This was a very relaxing trip more like walking in a spa house.

If you could read my eyes

I still miss you. I still wander in my sleeps. I keep asking how you're doing, if you're doing fine, or if I ever cross your mind. I still wear the ring and will hold long to it as long as you're still there for me too. Out of my hopeless cries, I wish to meet you again.

Time wasn't on our side. Even though you were willing to give up everything for me I wouldn't let you drown with me. We were together on the same boat. But I had to jump out for the water was rough. It wasn't strong for the two of us. I had to leave. But always be reminded that I love you more than you'll ever know.

 

❤Tadz